Sometimes there isn't much to say to anyone about anything. Sometimes something's wrong. Sometimes nothing is. It felt weird being in a sort of hermit mode right on spring's precipice. Like sunshine and openness should be the running theme rather than a bear who seeks the last bit of shelter in winter's hibernation. This happens to me every so often. I've come to appreciate and love it. The peace of my tuning everything and everyone out. If caused by anything, it's far too many energies that surround and start to drain me. Way too many moments of vulnerability only to retreat back because of ego. (I'm not here to judge. Especially after I've been through it all and am maybe the one person on earth who can tell you this is all somehow normal and okay.) Or too much of an ego that only likes to go on and on about themselves and only looks to you when it's time for tiny little ridicules. Or the draining energy of someone who only bitches and whines and doesn't listen to anyone but their damn voice. It's funny how your gut really knows who is and isn't for you. Navigating people and friendships (and acquaintances) in your adult life somehow feels harder than when I was in high school. I saw two high school aged girls gushing over ice cream cones at an Artic Circle the other day and I remembered how genuine those teenage connections to friends felt. When you had not as much ego to carry but only your blossoming self. The people who were able to catch glimpses of who you were and who you were becoming could really, truly, see you. As adults I think we're all so protective of the choices we make in how we choose to live and think that it's that much harder to let loose and be vulnerable without letting ego get in the way. I hate dealing with ego. I know well enough to know that there's no way in hell I don't have any. But I really go out of my way to always deal in sincerity. I get so tired of not receiving it back far too often. It seems like the world these days loves it when a person is disconnected, too cool to show their feelings, not too moved by anything. I've always been and hopefully will always be the opposite. What I hate the most about all this is how it blocks your throat chakra. You don't feel that you can say or express yourself the way you would want to because of all these misunderstandings. It's so hard to get past that! I'm maybe in a moment of 'f***k it, I don't care'. I just need to write something. Something just needs to come out. Taylor's 'The Tortured Poets Department' is out in the world now. As usual, I find a new version of home in her lyrics and words. "I Hate It Here" is playing right now and is the perfect soundtrack to this current mood. I hate it here, so I will go to Every so often I am reminded that I am truly the one and only person who will ever fully get me.
I've become more than okay with that. What I need to work on, is remembering it more often.
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AuthorSara is a left-handed, Peruvian-American, Gemini, millennial who has never said no to a delicious walnut & chocolate chip cookie. She loves reading, writing prompts, baking, photography, art, dressing up, thrifting, going out to a fancy dinner, and spending holy time with her two beautiful kids, husband, and two cats. A lit candle and a cup of tea at night is the life above all else. Last but not least, she will die on a hill for Taylor Swift. Archives
May 2024
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